Mom's Talk: Working it Out

It's just past 9:30 on a Saturday morning and I am holding onto a barre with all the strength I can gather. Our exercise instructor, Winnie, is pushing us all, and she is pushing us hard.

“Just four more before we break out,” she says firmly but sympathetically and I feel my grip on the barre get even tighter. I glance across the studio to see my daughter’s eyes close with the effort and concentration and I feel the involuntary bloom of a smile on my face….replacing the grimace.

She is 17 years old, she came home at midnight last night, and yet, here she is.

My daughter and I started taking exercise classes together in February. We attend Vitality Fitness, which recently moved from Hawthorne to Ridgewood. My daughter is a Ridgewood High School senior and approaching the final weeks of her grade school career, a time of profound transition for her and our entire family. Of course, transition is exciting but it can also be stressful. Working out is a great outlet and so tremendously helpful to the body and the mind. It seems to be working for us.

Lately we’ve been noticing that we are not alone. A number of mother/daughter teams are bellying up to the barre (so to speak). Annette O’Neill, owner operator of Vitality Fitness sees many moms and daughters in her studio. In fact, she herself works out with her daughter, Tara.

“I discovered the Lotte Berk Method exercise (the core of Body Blend at Vitality Fitness) when Tara was about 14-years-old," she says. "I taught classes on our third floor when she was in high school and opened my first exercise studio the year she entered college. This year she became my business partner at Vitality.”

O’Neill’s mother/daughter arrangement is somewhat extraordinary in that it has developed into a permanent business arrangement. However, it speaks to a larger trend. Says O’Neill, “often the mom discovers us and takes her daughter, but almost an equal number of daughters have found us and brought their moms in. They laugh about the challenge of the workout and share good eating habits and embrace the positive changes in their bodies, minds, and souls. I also see a strong concern for one to want the other to be healthy and fit,” she says.

At the core of that concern is a very compelling dynamic. Somewhere between the bicep curls, the killer planks, and the abdominal crunches, is the potential to really work things out.

It’s no secret that mothers and daughters “of a certain age” have a tradition of friction. Developmentally speaking, the life task of an adolescent is to establish independence from the parent. Add that “I don’t need you anymore” dynamic to a close mom/daughter relationship, and you are bound to set off some emotional fireworks.

However, when moms and their daughters take it to the gym, the tennis court, the track, or, as in our case, the barre class, it creates a neutral but common ground.

O’Neill agrees: “Without a doubt it is a powerful bonding activity. It is a positive, non-controversial experience you share."

In that studio, for that one hour of class, the pain of impending separation and chronic conflict lets up, replaced by the focus of working a muscle to complete failure. That kind of physical pain actually eases with rest and—with time and diligence—leads to a stronger body.

At the end of our classes, during the cool-down, the instructor will dim the lights and fill the studio with a soulful song, the kind of music that invites surrender, an unclenching of the muscle and the mind.

Sometimes, all of this letting go brings on a wave of emotion. Thoughts of being in that studio in September without my daughter, when she’s off at college, push their way into my reverie. Then the lights go on and I see my daughter’s flushed and smiling face as she jumps to her feet, ready to take on the rest of the day. That is when I am thankful for two things, that we took the time to work out together, and that it’s only June.