Please Stop Me Before I'm Thrilled Again!

A Note From Paul:
Please Stop Me Before I'm Thrilled Again!     
Greetings All!

Don't you hate those people who come in to the office after time away and brag about what an amazing vacation they had?!  How scrumptious the food was, how comfortable their hotel was, how everything went just as they'd always dreamed.  And all you wanna do is slap 'em silly!

Don't be like them!  Sure, they may have made memories to last a lifetime... but can they corner strangers in an elevator with horror stories of Holland?  Can they hijack a cafeteria conversation comparing good ol' American fries to those nasty French "frites"?  Can they find the only dangerous street in Denmark, and do they have the scars to prove it?!

Well can they?!

Of course they can't.  But you can -- just follow these five easy steps to be sure you never have a good time on vacation again!  Granted, the only dreams to come true will be nightmares, and the memories made would sooner be forgotten.  But you'll have great stories to tell in your next therapy session.

Read on!                                                                            
P.S. -- Here I go nagging again, but... There's nothing worth more to me than your recommendation!  So please forward this to friends and associates who might be interested.   They'll thank you -- Heck, they may even write you into their will! 


5 Surefire Ways to Have an
Awful Vacation!    

1:  Never Plan Ahead    This is first and foremost!   Did Neil Armstrong plan his trip to the moon?  Did Robert Peary plan his trip to the North Pole?  Did... did...  Well ok, actually, they did.  But think how much more fun they could have had just winging it!  Planning ahead ensures you'll have a room to stay in, a rental car waiting for you, and enough money in your pocket to last the trip.  Where's the adventure in that? One of the best ways to discover what hotels to avoid is to be forced to stay someplace you didn't plan.  Because, well... you didn't plan. 
And for goodness sake, don't do any research!  If there's a construction site next to the hotel you've selected, knowing ahead of time will just ruin the surprise.  Let the 6:00 AM jackhammers be your "wake-up call"... in more ways than one.  

2:  Flash That Wad!   And speaking of having money in your pocket... You'll want to be  sure you  command the respect of the locals by showing off how much cold hard cash you're carrying.   Why leave it in the hotel safe when it fits so nicely in your pocket...?  Until your pocket is picked.  At which point you have the joy of knowing you contributed to the local underground economy.  Not in the way you'd hoped, but still...  And if you really want a great story to tell, maybe they'll get your passport and travel documents too! 
If you followed Rule 1 (see above ) then you probably didn't plan your trip with a Travel Adviser.  That means you have no one at home to assist you in getting your passport reissued in a foreign country,  putting emergency money into your pocket, getting your airline and train tickets reissued.  But who needs that -- you're living on the edge! 

3:  Only Have Time for Two Cities?  Book Four!
Ah yes, nothing makes for a more memorable vacation than dashing from tour reservation to dinner reservation to train reservation. After all, it's all about checking things off your list, right?  Being able to say "Been there!  Been there too!  And yup -- there! "  Actually taking time to enjoy any one experience or place or meal would be anathema to the Unhappy Traveler's creed. So book it up!  Be sure to account for EVERY. SINGLE. SECOND of your travels.  That way nothing spontaneous can happen, no pleasant surprises, nothing unexpected.
(NOTE:  This may seem to contradict the points made under Rule 1, above, re: "Planning".  It does not. The wise traveler understands balance.) 

4:  Never Taste New Foods, Try New Experiences, or Meet New People 
They have a McDonalds on the Champs-Élysées -- why on earth would you want to ruin a perfectly good vacation by eating something French?  Look, if we don't eat it in America then it's foreign.  If it's foreign it's yucky.  And if it's yucky -- why would you eat it?!  
Same thing with people.  Don't you have enough friends already?  Besides, you leave the country and all of a sudden everybody's speaking a foreign language!  Oh sure, your friends come home with great stories about how they found a new fish dish they love, stomped around in snowshoes for the first time, met the man they plan to marry,  blah blah blah. But you can return home with the confidence that no new knowledge, tastes or relationships have sullied that perfect combination of experiences and memories that makes you... well, you. 

5:  Forget Quality, Never Mind Comfort -- Go For Cheap! 
This one I can't emphasize enough!  Ok, granted, six months from now you won't miss that extra $100 you spent for the hotel room upgrade.  And sure, 10 years from now you'll still be raving about what a great hotel that was, how it was the experience of a lifetime.  But that's not the point!  Is it?
Well... is it? 
Wait -- maybe it is!  Could it be?  Could it be that travel is more than just checking destinations off a list?  Could it be that exploring other countries, other cuisines, other peoples, is something that's worth pursuing just for itself?  Is it possible that travel -- just simply getting out there, meeting other people, experiencing other cultures, seeing sights you've never seen before -- is as spiritually and emotionally fulfilling as any other endeavor you might engage in?
Naaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!   What was I thinking?!  It's just travel!  And travel is just... just everything. 
_____________________________

So there you go!   Now you can safely travel anywhere in the world, and never worry you'll have to admit you had a good time.  Tell your therapist I said "You're welcome". Until next week!